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My life is not my own.

I lived to love
I lived to succeed
I lived for fun
I lived for my pleasures
I lived for me

As days went by I lived MY life
I lived the life of a world goer
I did as I pleased
I Said as I pleased
I Went where I pleased

Who am I that i should live my life as my own!?
Who am I to go to the father pleading for forgiveness!?
Who am I that I should deserve the un devoting love from up above!?
I have shame
I have disgrace
I have disappointments
I have fear
I have doubt
I have unforgivness

We go about living a life not made for us
Suffering
Crying
Dying within
Trying to be what we are not.
They come and take our happiness
Damn well they took mine
My happiness
My joy
My reason to live
My ability to love
They took it all
Left me there like I was nothing
Who am I that anyone will love me
Who will want me
Who will look past my faults
Only thing left for me to do was to run
And I ran, oh I ran so fast searching hoping to find this person this someone who could take my pain
And there they were
Found nothing but liars, abusers, cheaters, used me til I had nothing left to give. Left me there with all the disgrace left me there with all the bitterness. Left me empty.
But naah I didn’t stop there
I continued looking searching hoping to find this person anyone anybody somebody who could take my pain.
And yet again i Found nothing, nothing but munipulators, stealers, actors, backbiters, your so called holier than thou’s.

*chuckle*/*sigh*

You see
I pity the fool who pity’s me
I’m not gonna stand here and speak and rant those lines people feed, talking about: you don’t know me! you don’t know what I been through, you don’t know what he did or what she did. Look I could give 2 *hesitates* let me not say!

But do… look at me… look at me well. Very well.

I was confused
I was lost
I was addicted
I was digging my self in a hole
Where no one could find me
No one knew I was there
Where no one could even look for me

*laughs*

This devil they speak of this demon this satanic being
He had me down way down
The things I did
The things I said
The life I lived
Oh this devil was good
He knew how to catch me
He knew who made me weak
Who could make me cry
How to make me feel the pain of the past.
No matter where I went who I went to ,he had me bound.
I was bound by my feet, my hands, my head, my body, *silence* my heart.
I was dead. My soul was gone. My life wasn’t mine anymore it was his.
I had fallen, fallen so deep that I made myself believe
I was nothing:

Your nothing
You’ll never be anything
No one wants you
Your worthless
Or don’t you remember what you did, or did you forget. How they took your soul, your breath, your hope ,your love for life

*laughs*

Whose gonna save you NOW!!!!
Who
Tell me who!?

*looks down/looks up*

My father.

*thinks deeper*

The king of kings, the lord of lords, the omnipotent, my savior, my redeemer, my everlasting, counselor, Emmanuel, messiah, lamb, prince of peace, alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. My daddy from up above, the resurrection and the life,the way and the truth my prince of peace the rose of Sharon,Yawaha, the bread of life,The holy one, the beloved, the son of God, JESUS.

I ran and i finnally found him

*shout*
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus.

I found him he took my pain, he took my Shame, my disgrace, my faults, my fear,my doubt, my confusion. He took it all.

He forgave me!
Me the sinner
The liar
The cheater
The fornicator
The backbiter
The un forgiver
The abuser
He forgave me!

Me!!

I live for him now
I live to worship him
I live to praise his name
I live To know him more each day
I live to know his love
To find love in him
to find life in him

My life is not my own,
It Is his, it is his, it is his.

Sometimes I don’t want the day to end so I don’t have to face the next one

-late night thought.

I know it’s not easy but if your not even attempting to live a GOD FEARING LIFE please don’t waste your time trying to “holla at me”……

Goes through cycles. at times it is radiant, reflecting the light of the sun in nocturnal brilliance. other times it is in shadows, seemingly retreating, hidden. but she is still there, no less beautiful, even when the beauty is only for the night and her to see. -The Moon (A Cancers plant)